*cracks knuckles*Let's do this.
Christina Hendricks in L'Wren Scott Fall 2010
Elizabeth Banks in Gucci Fall 2010
Eva Mendes in Dolce & Gabbana
Malin Akerman in Temperley London
Nicole Richie in Marc Jacobs Fall 2010
Thandie Newton in Vivienne Westwood
And Zoe takes up Thandie's thrown gauntlet and says, "I'M RIGHT HERE, BITCH."
The amount of wrongness here is almost overwhelming. In fact, you'll have to give us a moment.
...
Okay, let's start with the two biggest issues here: rack fit. We are far from experts in the proper fitting of a bosom, but even we know that's not how you do it. If they're big, they should be up and out, not up and...further up. It looks like if she took a deep breath, they'd pop. If she sneezed, she'd get her nose stuck in her cleavage. Fashion tip: If you can lick them, the fit in the bust is too tight.
Then there's the hair and makeup. Honey, we think we can say with some assurance that the "19th Century prostitute dying of consumption" look isn't coming back any time soon. Even Helena Bonham Carter would have enough sense not to take it that far.
Let's see...what else? Oh. Right. THERE'S SOMETHING DEAD ON HER SHOULDER. Seriously, what the fuck, Joan Holloway? You are the embodiment of the post-war voluptuous, milk-and-corn-fed All-American Girl. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SCARE US, JOAN HOLLOWAY?
...
Okay, let's start with the two biggest issues here: rack fit. We are far from experts in the proper fitting of a bosom, but even we know that's not how you do it. If they're big, they should be up and out, not up and...further up. It looks like if she took a deep breath, they'd pop. If she sneezed, she'd get her nose stuck in her cleavage. Fashion tip: If you can lick them, the fit in the bust is too tight.
Then there's the hair and makeup. Honey, we think we can say with some assurance that the "19th Century prostitute dying of consumption" look isn't coming back any time soon. Even Helena Bonham Carter would have enough sense not to take it that far.
Let's see...what else? Oh. Right. THERE'S SOMETHING DEAD ON HER SHOULDER. Seriously, what the fuck, Joan Holloway? You are the embodiment of the post-war voluptuous, milk-and-corn-fed All-American Girl. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SCARE US, JOAN HOLLOWAY?
Elizabeth Banks in Gucci Fall 2010
We think this is a super-cute dress, but she should have ditched the patterned tights.
However, we're not as impressed by your roots as you apparently think we should be, Elizabeth. Get that shit taken care of the next time you want to wear a borrowed dress worth more than the average car.
And the eye makeup's not working either, Catwoman.
However, we're not as impressed by your roots as you apparently think we should be, Elizabeth. Get that shit taken care of the next time you want to wear a borrowed dress worth more than the average car.
And the eye makeup's not working either, Catwoman.
Eva Mendes in Dolce & Gabbana
She looks like a Spanish couch.
We have nothing against this dress in theory, it's just that ... haven't we all seen a dress like this dress a lot? On Eva Mendes?
Jessical Biel in Ralph LaurenWe have nothing against this dress in theory, it's just that ... haven't we all seen a dress like this dress a lot? On Eva Mendes?
We have to say: it's the perfect dress for her. She doesn't always nail it on the red carpet, but whenever she gets it right, it's in a dress that accentuates her broad shoulders and athletic frame. Love the draped neckline and the sexy hair. She looks sleek and powerful.
Maggie Gyllenhaal in Louis Vuitton Fall 2010
Oh, what the fuck, Maggie. This is what happens when you only use one package of Rit dye and you don't get the water hot enough.
That bust is absolutely appalling but we have to admit we're glad she didn't wear the sweater with it. Can you imagine?
That bust is absolutely appalling but we have to admit we're glad she didn't wear the sweater with it. Can you imagine?
Malin Akerman in Temperley London
We recently Netflix'd "The Comeback," Lisa Kudrow's short-lived and hilarious series for HBO, co-starring Malin here. T Lo recommends.
Anyway, we give her props for being bold. You have to be really confident you've got the body to pull this off if you're going to wear it and she does. It's a sharp look and it deserved a better hairstyle than that limpness.
Mariska Hargitay in Vera WangAnyway, we give her props for being bold. You have to be really confident you've got the body to pull this off if you're going to wear it and she does. It's a sharp look and it deserved a better hairstyle than that limpness.
It's gorgeous. It's the right dress for her, it's a beautiful color, and it's got a lot of detailing to keep it interesting. Love the hair and jewelry.
Nicole Richie in Marc Jacobs Fall 2010
It's got such a "doing a line in the ladies room with Stevie at the '81 Grammys" vibe to it that it overcomes our normal bored reaction to silver metallics. The hair is AWFUL, though. Pretty much ruins the look. Why did so many of these ladies fuck up the hair last night?
Thandie Newton in Vivienne Westwood
Love this dress. Major props for taking a risk. That's a beautiful color and a rich fabric. We love the split skirt and the little hints of gold. We also love the insane attitude she's throwing in these poses. "That's right, hos. Here it is. Top THIS."
Zoe Saldana in Calvin Klein
Fucking flawless. And she can pose like a supermodel.
More to come, kittens!
[Photo Credit: wireimage.com/gettyimages.com/style.com]
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